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Thread: Dreaming

  1. #1
    DQ Senior Member sgt_Angua's Avatar
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    Default Dreaming

    Dreaming

    I dreamed that I was someone special, someone important, and people who loved me threw a party just for me and let me sing in front of a crowd.

    The lights wake me up as they do every day at the same time. I put on the gray uniform in two minutes and am ready standing by the door when it opens. I take two steps through the doorway, as does everyone down my row and down every other row in the building. At a muffled shout over the loudspeakers everyone turns left. Another shout and we start walking. I stay two paces behind 83418 and I trust that 83420 stays two paces behind me.

    We walk to the dining hall and are each handed our plate of mash. We file to tables and eat in silence. Talking might mean not getting a chance to finish breakfast. Five minutes until there is another instruction from the loudspeaker and we all stand, plate and spoon in hand, and file out again, leaving the dish and spoon in the appropriate places.

    In the hall I feel cold wind from the doors that are open. Only twice a day are the doors to the dormitory and factory unlocked and opened. They told us this was for our protection, that men might be tempted to come to a place with so many young ladies and do bad things. They reminded us that our fathers had entrusted our safety to them and they would guard our virtue as our fathers did.

    The chill bites through the fabric of our uniforms, but we do not break step as we file from the dormitory to the factory. The two are set far apart enough that if one building were to catch fire the other might not burn. We go to our places in front of the conveyor belts, turn and wait. The last piece I finished yesterday sits where I left it, but I do not touch it, my hands remain by my sides. As I wait my eyes stray to the words painted on the wall: ‘Each Citizen Must Do Their Part.’ Slowly the conveyor belts start to move. As the next piece comes I grab it off the conveyor belt and slot the three gears into place before returning it to the belt. I never touch the belt itself. When we first came here they cut our hair short so it wouldn’t get caught in machinery and cut it again a month later. We still have to watch our fingers.

    The next piece comes and I pick it up. First gear second gear third gear. Put it back. Pick it up. First gear second gear third gear. Put it back. Pick it up. First gear second gear third gear. Put it back. Pick it up. First gear…

    My eyes stray to 83502 working in the next row as she turns her head and I can see the shape of her nose and chin and those full pink lips. There is a rip in the shoulder of her uniform and I can see her bare skin. For a moment I can think of nothing but touching that soft skin, feeling the bone structure beneath, kissing her shoulder and neck and seeing the rest of her bare.

    I snap back to reality and rush to regain the few seconds I lost. Secondgearthirdgearputitback! Pick it up first gear second gear third gear. Put it back. Pick it up. First gear second gear third gear put it back. I have to pay more attention. I wouldn’t want to be thought slacking, or worse, the overseers might realize my sickness. Put it back.

    Pick it up. First gear second gear third gear. Put it back. Pick it up. First gear second gear third gear. Put it back. Pick it up. If only I could talk to her, but there is no chance for talking, certainly no talking in private. And even if I could, what would I say to her? Admit my sickness in the hopes that she shared it? I should be hoping the opposite for her sake. That she is a normal girl with normal desires. …third gear. Put it back.

    Pick it up. First gear second gear third gear. Put it back. Even if she did share my sickness there is no privacy here. We could not act on our deviant desires. Perhaps that’s for the best. First gear second gear third gear. Put it back.
    Last edited by sgt_Angua; January 24th, 2013 at 07:41 PM. Reason: corrections
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  2. #2
    DQ 1337 Member
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    So the sickness of her is being attracted to beings of the same gender?

  3. #3
    Apostolic Moderator Diplomacy Domination VictoryOne Time Chess ChampionDiplomacy Domination Victory Varthonai's Avatar
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    I like, I like, I like. Made me think 1984 meets the factory and penal labor scenes of Les MisÚrables with a little flavor of Charlie Chaplin's Modern Times. I especially liked the unpleasant realization that they aren't being punished, and that their incarceration and forced labor is supposedly for their own good.

    Quote Originally Posted by sgt_Angua View Post
    I dreamed that I was someone special, someone important, and people who loved me threw a party just for me and let me sing in front of a crowd.

    The lights wake me up as they do every day at the same time time.
    I am guessing the change from past to present tense is deliberate and I think it's cool. I honestly don't know whether the duplicated word 'time' is deliberate but I think it is cool too and am not sure you should 'correct' it even if it was a mistake.

    Quote Originally Posted by sgt_Angua View Post
    We walk to the dining hall and are each handed our plate of mash we file to tables and eat in silence.
    I don't think that this run-on sentence was deliberate, based on context, and I do recommend correcting it.

    Quote Originally Posted by sgt_Angua View Post
    Five minutes until there is another instruction from the loudspeaker and we all stand, plate and spoon in hand and file out again, leaving the dish and spoon in the appropriate places.
    Oughta be a comma after hand. I love the rhythm of the sentence though, and the rhyme of stand and hand.

    Quote Originally Posted by sgt_Angua View Post
    They reminded us that our fathers had entrusted our safety to them and they would guard our virtue as our fathers did.

    The chill bites through the fabric of our uniforms but we do not break step as we file from the dormitory to the factory. The two are set far apart enough that if one building were to catch fire the other might not burn.
    This is a series of great tone-setting lines. "'might' not burn" was a good choice of words. I would put a comma after "uniforms" though. Comma and run-on sentences happen a couple more places later and I think I am taking up too much space for such a petty mechanical issue so imma stop here and I can point them out to you over MSN if you want me to.

    Quote Originally Posted by sgt_Angua View Post
    As I wait my eyes stray to the words painted on the wall: ‘Each Citizen Must Do Their Part.’
    I would say 'Each Citizen Must Do Her Part', and not just because I really hate 'their' used as a singular gender-neutral pronoun; I think it would contribute to the atmosphere of sexual isolation.

    Quote Originally Posted by sgt_Angua View Post
    When we first came here they cut our hair short so it wouldn’t get caught in machinery and cut it again a month later. We still have to watch our fingers.
    This is a good bit of subtle horror. If you write more extensively about any section of this story in the next draft, I would recommend this one. I would push fingers and hair imagery into some of the other sections too, especially since their work involves fine motor skills and should afford lots of opportunities for that. Make the audience feel the constant tension revolving around small extremities.

    part two in progress
    current update: save the cat that you maimed

  4. #4
    i am 12 and wat is this? Diplomacy Domination Victory Aval's Avatar
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    That was cool. Something about it kind of makes me want it to be the start of something longer as opposed to just a self contained piece.
    Quote Originally Posted by Polo View Post
    why the fuck can i never find what I'm after this is so gay

  5. #5
    DQ Senior Member sgt_Angua's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Melanism View Post
    So the sickness of her is being attracted to beings of the same gender?
    Yes, she views her same-sex attractions as a sickness.

    Varth I fixed the things you pointed out. I deleted the repeated 'time' since I thought it sounded a bit silly. I also kept the motto on the wall as 'their' because it's supposed to be a generic thing put on every such factory wall.

    Aval, I don't think I'm going to continue it. I have an idea of what would happen if I did and things would get really dark before the end and I really don't want to write that right now. I'm betting a lot of people also wouldn't want to read it.
    Last edited by sgt_Angua; January 24th, 2013 at 07:50 PM.
    Creator of overly complex costume backstories.

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    In the future will you explain why she considers it to be "a sickness"? Was it becasue of his parent's influence or because of the facility she lives? If it was the last case, is religion involved?

  7. #7
    DQ Senior Member sgt_Angua's Avatar
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    If I continue it I will try to clarify where she got the impression that same sex attraction is wrong. It's certainly not a conclusion she came up with herself.
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  8. #8
    NON-NEGOTIABLE ENJOYMENT! Wadling's Avatar
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    I don't really think you need to clarify that, at least not to any great degree; it seems fairly obvious to me that it is the result of this crazy 1984 world brainwashing her into repressing her sexuality. I would say the repeated emphasis on sameness and the active repression of individuality in almost every aspect of this world she is inhabiting is enough to tell the reader why she regards such feelings as a sickness. While I'm on the subject, I think the tear in the other woman's clothing is a great metaphor for the beginnings of the narrator's internal rebellion against the system.

  9. #9
    i am 12 and wat is this? Diplomacy Domination Victory Aval's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Wadling View Post
    I think the tear in the other woman's clothing is a great metaphor for the beginnings of the narrator's internal rebellion against the system.
    Yeah it was also pretty hot too.
    Quote Originally Posted by Polo View Post
    why the fuck can i never find what I'm after this is so gay

  10. #10
    NON-NEGOTIABLE ENJOYMENT! Wadling's Avatar
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    This is neither the time nor the place to talk about your very specific fetish for brainwashed, sexually repressed women with shaved heads wearing grey.

  11. #11
    i am 12 and wat is this? Diplomacy Domination Victory Aval's Avatar
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    If you had your way there would never be a time and a place. ;_;

    Stop repressing my sexuality.
    Quote Originally Posted by Polo View Post
    why the fuck can i never find what I'm after this is so gay

  12. #12
    NON-NEGOTIABLE ENJOYMENT! Wadling's Avatar
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    What have I done...

  13. #13
    DQ 1337 Member kingmiami's Avatar
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    This is good i'm really liking it I would love to read more of this. It sounds like there's so much that could happen in this story. So many questions and scenarios are going through my mind like why is she there? what is she doing all this for? how did she get there in the first place? why does she view her attraction to her same gender as a sickness? what does she look like? Maybe she escapes. whats the outside world like? who are the overseers? was she born here? etc etc. but the possibilities are endless. I could see this being a movie if the story is told right. Keep working on this I wanna hear. And lol@ Aval and Wadling you guys crack me up.

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