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Thread: Memory.

  1. #1
    DQ 1337 Member BanHammor's Avatar
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    Default Memory.

    I remember how things all began
    And your face, ill and brittle and pale.
    Our classes with dinner at ten,
    Our greetings, surprisingly stale.
    And our friends that would not get away
    When we wanted to talk about stuff.
    Yes, they asked me whenever I stayed
    At their place: “Is it really love?”


    I remember how everything changed,
    I would not understand what is wrong.
    How in fever, completely deranged,
    You were humming your brother's old song.
    I remember the doctors' routine.
    Their tests, and their syringes, lies,
    When they told me that you were all clean,
    With a tumour between your blue eyes.



    I remember how things were all done,
    I would not let a second amiss.
    But I felt at the end of the run,
    I was staring right at the abyss.
    I remember my things I received.
    I remember not feeling regret.
    I don't know if you'd ever forgive.
    But I don't think I'll ever forget.
    *glares antagonizingly, then runs away to medicate panic attack*

  2. #2
    DQ 1337 Member BanHammor's Avatar
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    Ahem, I do understand that I am not exactly the sharpest bulb in the box, but I believe that this deserves at least a comment or two. Yes, I wrote this. Yes, it is based on a mix-match of real events and fiction (The whole thing with the tumour? Bollocks.). Yes, it's some kind of poetry, and I don't think that it's so awful nobody would even touch it.
    *glares antagonizingly, then runs away to medicate panic attack*

  3. #3
    DQ 1337 Member Kreekakon's Avatar
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    Default

    I already saw this yesterday BanHammor, but I'm sorry to say that I'm completely lousy when it comes to poetry, so I can't really comment on anything here.

  4. #4
    DQ 1337 Member Shinoi's Avatar
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    Default

    Maybe it's just people are not interested? Or don't know how to comment on it? I've read it three times already, but didn't know how to comment on it, since I know nothing about poetry and I didn't want to give you just "Aye, that be nice, matey."
    Knowledge is power - and power is hilarious

  5. #5
    DQ 1337 Member leapoffaith's Avatar
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    Default

    Poetry good.
    I just show up sometimes.

  6. #6
    I'm a level 22 Buttbuttin Killing_Time's Avatar
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by BanHammor View Post
    Yes, it's some kind of poetry, and I don't think that it's so awful nobody would even touch it.
    The problem isn't awfulness, it's the fact you posted a poem and left. You didn't even say "so I made this poem, what do you guys think?" or anything else that would even in the slightest invite to a discussion. People are hesitant to act without a lead, and in this case they need you to dictate where the thread is moving. Just imagine if I just made a thread with nothing but a drawing. I bet not even you would comment!

    This isn't the first time you've been butthurt about how your thread has been received. Stop whining and start looking for reasons.

  7. #7
    DQ 1337 Member BanHammor's Avatar
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    K_T, thanks for the advice. I wrote the second post because I understood that the first one was probably not quite enough.
    (Also, my whining is way more high-pitched. I say, it's more like barking.)
    *glares antagonizingly, then runs away to medicate panic attack*

  8. #8
    DQ 1337 Member Shadowtime23's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kreekakon View Post
    I already saw this yesterday BanHammor, but I'm sorry to say that I'm completely lousy when it comes to poetry, so I can't really comment on anything here.
    Exactly what I was thinking.
    I like the poem, but can't judge it since I don't know much to anything about them.

  9. #9
    Formerly Tymedi
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    I like how you started off each stanza with "I remember" and the continuous use of "I" throughout the poem, since the speaker is finding difficulty in dealing with the deal of a loved one. The transitions from in subject matter was also very smooth too.

    Other than that, if you want to make the poem more abstract, you might want to add allusions, personifications and/or repetition to add emphasis to a group of words.

    The poem's main theme is about a painful memory right? So you could throw in a few symbols like "bulge" for the tumor or a "flood" for the memory. At the moment, the poem is a little too direct and obvious, and doesn't bring out enough emotions as it should in the death of a loved one.

    Other than that, the poem is pretty lyrical, especially in the second stanza. Good work.

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