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  1. #1
    DQ Member Vido's Avatar
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    Default The Boy and The Snow

    It's snowing! THE HEAVENS ARE SHEDDING TEARS OF WHITE ICE! Praise be the lord! Amen!

    *Clears throat*

    That outburst did not affect my religious reviews. Shut up. Anyways, I wrote this short little story-like thing to celebrate the occasion of snow, which, in my area, happens every 4-5 years. I call it "The Boy and The Snow."

    -----------------------------------------------------------

    The Boy and The Snow
    By Joshua Vida


    The teenager shook off the snow from his jacket. He took a seat down at the computer. His dog ran up to him, looking at him. He leaned over and begin massaging the sides of it's head, secretly trying to warm his frigid hands up. After he was done, the dog went under his desk and laid down. The night was a great one. For the first time in years upon years it has snowed in his town.
    While it was a great night, he still wished he was with his girlfriend, who lived thousands of miles a day. He missed her greatly. The boy learned early that in his life, great distances between great things come very often. However, before you know it, they will already be there.

    -----------------------------------------------------------

    I think it says a lot more than just snow. It has deep meaning, and I wrote it from my heart.
    Bang.

  2. #2
    DQ wannabe Member i like boom(er)'s Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Vido View Post


    The boy learned early that in his life, great distances between great things come very often. However, before you know it, they will already be there.

    That was the best/ meaningful part.

  3. #3
    DQ Member Vido's Avatar
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    Thanks. Believe it or not, the words flowed out of me so easily, I finished it in less than 2 minutes and 30 seconds.
    Bang.

  4. #4
    DQ wannabe Member i like boom(er)'s Avatar
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    Wow it would have taken me at leased an hour

  5. #5
    DQ Member Khorne47's Avatar
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    I didn't think it was that deep. Things are far away? that is pretty obvious dont ya think? It also has some grammer mistakes and is really short, a paragraph is not a story. Anyway you seemed to describe what was happening well enough but you didn't describe the boy or the dog. It needs to be longer like another paragraph longer then it can be a short story. Although since you wrote it in a few mintues I am guessing you can write better if you sat down and thought about it. I think you could write good stories if you tried.
    Sorry if I am being to critical I am in a bad mood today, I can come back with a nice and happy review tomorrow if you wish.

  6. #6
    /jAʞE/ Silence's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by i like boom(er) View Post
    That was the best/ meaningful part.
    That's like saying it's the least douche-baggy part in a Dane Cook special.

  7. #7
    DQ Member Vido's Avatar
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    Khorne47 - Occasionally I make grammar mistakes. Just like you made a spelling mistake. Grammar, not grammer! As for the story, I said it was a "short little story-like thing," not a "short little story." As for describing the boy and the dog... I think it's better to leave them undescribed, that way you can plug yourself and your dog (if you have one) in there. I'm looking forward to your SUPER HAPPY FUN TIME review!

    Silence - I don't get it...
    Bang.

  8. #8
    DQ Member Khorne47's Avatar
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    Alright I am ready for a happier review. I stand by my statement of it not being very deep. When you write a story it should have proper grammar and spelling (not so much for a post). I could see you being a good writer but I am not sure how well you can write based on this paragraph (short little shorty-like thing) so if you are planning on writing a bigger story I would have a better understanding of your skill.
    As for describing the boy and the dog... I think it's better to leave them undescribed, that way you can plug yourself and your dog (if you have one) in there.
    I see where you are coming from but I still don't like it. I can appreciate that you are trying to make the reader the boy but if that is what you wanted you should have done it in first-person.

    PS: Since I don't know your age I can't really judge if this is good for your age.
    Last edited by Khorne47; February 15th, 2010 at 02:42 AM.

  9. #9
    DQ Member Vido's Avatar
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    I'm 16.
    Bang.

  10. #10
    DQ Member Khorne47's Avatar
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    Then I would expect better. No offense I mean it might be me but when one of my friends starts writing something it is normaly better then this (my real life friends are all 16). I am not saying this is crap i just think it isn't worth its own thread.

  11. #11
    Apostolic Moderator Diplomacy Domination VictoryOne Time Chess ChampionDiplomacy Domination Victory Varthonai's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Vido View Post
    The Boy and The Snow
    By Joshua Vida
    The title is nice. It hooked my attention enough to get me to look at this thread in the first place.

    Quote Originally Posted by Vido View Post
    The teenager shook off the snow from his jacket. He took a seat down at the computer. His dog ran up to him, looking at him.
    "looking at him" is a pretty bland additional clause that you didn't really need there, otherwise it's decent enough so far.

    Quote Originally Posted by Vido View Post
    He leaned over and begin massaging the sides of it's
    A possessive "its" has no apostrophe.

    Quote Originally Posted by Vido View Post
    head, secretly trying to warm his frigid hands up.
    You seem like you're trying to pull an Ernest Hemingway here. If you're going with a minimalist style you should eliminate extraneous adjectives, no matter how pretty they sound out of context. If he's trying to warm his hands, the audience can infer that they are frigid unless you state otherwise.

    Quote Originally Posted by Vido View Post
    After he was done, the dog went under his desk and laid down. The night was a great one.
    Department of Redundancy Dept.; "the night was a great one" is much clunkier than "the night was great" and has no merits whatsoever that would make it advantageous. Beyond that: conventions of literature demand that you try to avoid stating opinions in the narrative if you don't elaborate, and conventions of minimalism demand that you try to avoid needing to elaborate in the first place. If I were you I'd just cut that sentence altogether, or replace it with something more objective.

    Quote Originally Posted by Vido View Post
    For the first time in years upon years it has snowed in his town.
    This is a nice image, and you should develop it a bit more. Devote at least one more sentence to the lack of snow prior to this night.

    Quote Originally Posted by Vido View Post
    While it was a great night, he still wished he was with his girlfriend, who lived thousands of miles a day. He missed her greatly. The boy learned early that in his life, great distances between great things come very often. However, before you know it, they will already be there.
    Again with the opinions in the narrative. If you'd spent some time elaborating on the reasoning behind these statements, they might have been profound, but since you didn't, they're just lame and trite.

    That said, I'm thankful for your vision and ambition with this piece, even though you fell short. I'd almost quit reading DQ members' submissions altogether. After one too many stories about bland superhuman protagonists in poorly-written action scenes that stretched on pointlessly for dozens of pages without ever advancing the plot or characterization, your story was intensely refreshing. 3 out of 5 on the VLAD scale.

    part two in progress
    current update: save the cat that you maimed

  12. #12
    DQ Member Khorne47's Avatar
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    ...Wow...Vido you just got review'd. And maybe even slightly complemented...I suggest you write more and take Varths comments to heart, do that and you will have a good story in your hands.

    EDIT: And sorry if I came across to harsh, turns out my story has cancer, so I can't really say your story is bad.
    Last edited by Khorne47; February 18th, 2010 at 12:49 AM.

  13. #13
    DQ Member Vido's Avatar
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    Thanks for the compliments. And I was tired when I wrote the story, so that affected it. I'm not going to write one now, because I'm sick. Thanks, though!

    P.S. Watch out for my upcoming novel, A Dark Dream. Inspired by the vocaloids song called Alice Human Sacrifice. It won't have any such super powers...Until near the end, MAYBE. Eh, I'm spoiling things. One last thing. It's going to have normal people, normal limits, and normal personalities (I hope). So, yeah! Watch out for you!
    Bang.

  14. #14
    Delivering the Hurt Killervirus's Avatar
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    Could use some more. If you're going to make something small that's upposed to make you think about stuff, it needs to have more depth. Length is not important but it's the meaning that feels short.

  15. #15
    DQ Member Vido's Avatar
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    We get it, alright? You think the meaning isn't great.
    Bang.

  16. #16
    Apostolic Moderator Diplomacy Domination VictoryOne Time Chess ChampionDiplomacy Domination Victory Varthonai's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Khorne47 View Post
    And sorry if I came across to harsh, turns out my story has cancer, so I can't really say your story is bad.
    Hey now, I review stories, not storytellers. Just because I gave your work a couple fewer points doesn't mean you aren't entitled to defend your opinion.

    Vido, I wouldn't attempt a novel yet if I were you. Speaking from personal experience here, if you try to start a novel when you're still early in the process of finding your voice as a writer, you'll want to change the entire story's style halfway through and then you'll end up having to destroy most of your hard work. I would just outline the general plot and important details that you don't want to forget, and then let it sit until you're sure of how you want to approach it.

    part two in progress
    current update: save the cat that you maimed

  17. #17
    DQ Member Khorne47's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Varthonai View Post
    Hey now, I review stories, not storytellers. Just because I gave your work a couple fewer points doesn't mean you aren't entitled to defend your opinion.
    Yea I know. It is just when I read my comments I seem alot harsher then I intended to be.

    Quote Originally Posted by Varthonai View Post
    I wouldn't attempt a novel yet if I were you. Speaking from personal experience here, if you try to start a novel when you're still early in the process of finding your voice as a writer, you'll want to change the entire story's style halfway through and then you'll end up having to destroy most of your hard work. I would just outline the general plot and important details that you don't want to forget, and then let it sit until you're sure of how you want to approach it.
    This is some good advice, wish someone had given it to me before I attempted my story.

    Anyway Vido you have the beginnings of a good author just make sure you are open to advice and criticism.

    EDIT: Not sure if Varth will notice this edit but whatever. Vido did do another story Click
    Last edited by Khorne47; February 26th, 2010 at 06:45 AM. Reason: Who put that extra s there I am looking at you keyboard!

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