joke of the day

[your worst nightmare]

ok this might not be the greatest idea for a game, but i thought of this
at 9:00 every night i will pick the best joke from every joke posted on here.

ok start now:

[demonickilla]

This thread is a joke O_o....

That's my joke!

[Cajolocs]

ha ha.
This isn't going anywhere... -_-

Please block if nothing appears according to the suggested theme in a short period of time.
Thank you.

[Big Boom]

This better be good.

[Maniacal Macabre]

Bill Gates croaked it and met his maker, and God said, "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this one. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or to Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in the world, and we even have them up here now, yet you created that ghastly Windows. I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go.

Bill Gates said, "What's the difference between the two?" God said, "It might help you decide if you took a peek. I've set up webcams at both places. Shall we look at Hell first?" Bill was amazed. He saw a clean, white sandy beach with clear blue waters. There were thousands of beautiful men and women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. "This is great!" said Bill. "If this is Hell, I can't wait to see Heaven." God said, "Here then" and clicked on his mouse and they viewed Heaven. Bill saw puffy white clouds in a beautiful blue sky, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice, but surely not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for only a brief moment and rendered his decision. "God, I do believe I would prefer to go to Hell." "As you wish," said God.

Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how things were going. He found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amidst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being tortured by demons with pitchforks. "How ya doin', Bill?" asked God. Bill responded with anguish and despair, "This is awful! This isn't what we watched at all! What happened to the beach and the beautiful women playing in the water?" "Oh, that," said God. "That was the screen saver..."

[Big Boom]

Oh god, that was funny but terrible, dont care about Bill Gates though.

[Maniacal Macabre]

damn.

[your worst nightmare]

well its 900 here so i guess the bill gates joke wins

[Tempest]

Yo momma is so stupid, she stared at a carton of orange juice for 6 hours because it said "concentrate".

[Bloody Shadow]

mary's mother had 5 kids named la, le, li, lo. What is the name of the 5th child? (interesting xD quite easy)

A dwarf lived in a 20 story building on the 20th floor. He always went there by using the elivator and presses the 10th floor button, later he goes to the 20th floor with the stairs. But why he does that. ( Tricky xD).

[rainor]

Lu.Because he is an dwarf and he can't reach the button that goes to 20th floor :P

[Bloody Shadow]

Lu.Because he is an dwarf and he can't reach the button that goes to 20th floor :P

Nice. and for the other joke WRONG AWNSER!!!!!!! xD

[rainor]

Wait..."with the stairs"? I don't know if my english failed me this time but i think it should be "on the stairs"?

[Cajolocs]

Mary.

This is kinda boring here. -_-

[Shadowtime23]

God said: "May there be light!"
Chuck Norris said: "Say please."
------------
Little Lisa comes home crying.
Her mother asks, "what's wrong, my dear?"
-"They threw me out of the cooking course just because I burned something!"
-"That's very mean! Stuff like that happens. What did you burn anyway?"
-"The School!"

---------

Anti-joke:

Two cows stay beneath a stoplight. One cow falls to the ground.
The other cow says, "don't worry, my grandmother has an ice-cream shop."

[Bloody Shadow]

there was an electrition, a farmer and a hunter, and they were discussing which is the oldest job. The farmer said "my job is the oldest cause there were already men growing crops!". The hunter said "my job is the oldest cause it brought food to people. if there wasn't a hunter all of us are dead!". Later the electriton said "my job is the oldest cause when God said "let there be light" be had already put the wires".....xD.

[Mr.Evilmidget]

(I didn't make this up)
It's a worrying thought that the jolly old man who kindly delivers presents to millions of children around the world could be in fact be the Devil.

Consider the evidence:

Both use manipulation to get what they want, they just use different methods. Parents warn that if the child is not good, then they won't get any presents. Similarly, this isn't too far from religious threats that unless you do this or that you will go straight to hell.

The jolly fat man traditionally comes down the chimney. Likewise, the Red Horned Dude lives in the fiery pits of hell.

Both of their favourite colour is red.

Both employ slave labour to aid their cause. Santa has his elves, while Satan has his demons.

No one has ever been to and returned from either Hell or Santa's workshop to tell their tale.

If an ordinary person were to break into a house, creep into a child's bedroom, they would be arrested and spend a very long time in jail! Father Christmas is a persistent offender and has never been brought to justice.

Finally, just to give it all away, "Santa" is a piss-poor anagram of "Satan"!

Next Christmas you may want to brick up your fireplace and poison the mince pies.

[jman1234]

id be scared of Santa if only i believed he was real.

---------- Post added at 02:25 PM ---------- Previous post was at 02:11 PM ----------

but why not make it easyer and just call santa natas?

[rainor]

He was in my house D: The door moved and everyone was with me and then the door suddenly stopped D: and there were ne windows oppened DDDDDDDD: HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Masterschiief]

Because it just sounds stupid xD. Btw, why isnt Santa an anagramme for Devil in the other languages? In germany its "Weihnachtsmann" which I think is kind of different from "Teufel" or "Satan"....

[Mr.Evilmidget]

Yo mama so stupid she put mayo on aspirin!

[alexionfire]

Lawl! Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.

[Bloody Shadow]

Lawl! Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.

Lol xD

[alexionfire]

This guy goes to a super market and goes to isle 12 and asks for a box of condoms.

The lady askes "what size" and the guy says "I don't know" so the lady askes him to pull down his pants.

The lady tugs a few times and says "you need a box of x-large condoms".

So this guy hears behind him and he asks for a box of condom's, and the lady says "what size" and the guy says I don't know.

So the lady asks him to pull down his pants.

The lady tugs a few time and says "get a box of medium condoms"

So this teenager in isle 11 hears and wants some of the action.

So he goes to isle 12 and asks "can I have a box of condoms"

The lady asks "what size" and the teenage says "I don't know"

So the lady asks him to pull down his pants .

When he does, the lady tugs a few times, stands up and announces "Clean up in isle 12"

That is so stupid but it made me chuckle.

[Trewoon]

Yo momma is so stupid, she stared at a carton of orange juice for 6 hours because it said "concentrate".

That's not very good.

ok...

my friend told me this one.

A vicar goes into surgery. Now the surgen's wife is having a baby but they don't want it so the surgen says...
" hmm... why dont we dump it on the vicar, say he gave birth and it's a miracle."
So they dump it on the vicar and he believes them and takes care of the baby.
15 years later the vicar talks to his son...
" I know this will come as a shock son... but I'm not your father... I am your mother, the archbishop is your father."




Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. “I’ll go into town for a doctor,” the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby. “I can’t leave,” the doctor says. ‘But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground.” The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony. ‘What did the doctor say?” the victim asks. “He says you’re gonna die.”

[shadow sifter]

yo mama is so old the milk in her boobs expired
yo mama is so poor she ran after a garbage truck with her shopping list
yo mama is so dumb she invented a solar powered torch
yo mama is so old she got a bible signed by jesus
yo mama is so old when i asked her to act her age she died
yo mama is so dumb she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death:thumbsup:

[Scythe Cat]

Why was the math book sad?

.....

.....

Becuase it has problems.

[nakina]

not mine

Yo momma so fat, when she went out side in a red dress, everyone yelled "HEY, KOOL-AID!"

[live2wrestle]

Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you hear or are about to
repeat a rumor: the test of three

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his
wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard
about one of your students...?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd like you to
pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."

"Test of Three?"

"That's correct," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my
student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say.
The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are
about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man replied, "actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or
not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you
are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him
even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued, "You may still pass though, because there is a
third test - the filter of usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about
my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really..."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither
True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such
high este em.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was banging
his wife.

[Tyemdi]

Consider this one:

Three commandos are walking along in the woods. Their leader is called Sergeant Dick along with his men Corporal Will and Private Elder.
They suddenly come across a group of terrorists.
"At my call, we'll all jump out and open fire at them." Dick told his men.
The sergeant jumped out yelling "Fire at will!" and killed the terrorists.

He heard a gunshot behind him and turned to see Elder with his gun smoking and Will injured on the ground.
"What did you do that for?!" screamed Dick.
"But sarge," said Elder. "You told us to fire at Will."

And another:

Two men are walking in the woods when the one has a heart attack and falls. Thankfully, the other a mobile and phones the local hospital.
"Hello," he said. "my partner has had a heart attack. What do I do?"
"First check if he's dead." came the reply. a gunshot was heard.
"OK, now what?" the man asked.

[Varthonai]

Johnny just found out that his fiancé has a wooden leg.

He's in a bar now, talking it over with a friend. "I'm thinking of breaking it off," he says.

[sgt_Angua]

A man comes home early from work one day to find his wife naked in the bedroom.

"Why are you naked?" the man asks.

"I don't have any clothes," his wife replies.

"Of course you have clothes," the man says, opening the closet. "Look: there's a green dress, there's a red dress, there's a polka-dot dress, there's Sven, there's a purple dress..."

[Varthonai]

Aw, man, two failed relationship jokes in a row. Now I'm all bummed out.

[sgt_Angua]

Sex is hereditary: if your parents didn't have it, chances are you won't either.

[jman1234]

ok the "yo mama" jokes are getting old

what do you call a person who speaks 3 languages? Trilingual

what do you call a person who speaks 2 languages? Bilingual

what do you call a person who speaks 1 language?

..........

American

[...I'm not telling you!]

I will make the world-A better place. I will not become corrupt by power. I will stay true to my word.

Seriously, that's got to win.

[Varthonai]

ok the "yo mama" jokes are getting old

But not as old as--nah, I'm done.


So a cannibal goes up to another cannibal at a dinner party and says "Sorry I'm late. Is there any left for me?"

The other one says "Nope, everyone's already eaten."

[Killervirus]

*insert hilarious pun here*

you is laff nao :3

[sgt_Angua]

Varthonai gets a job as a bartender as research for his next novel.

So he's at work and an infinite number of mathematicians walk into the bar.

The first one says "I'd like a pint of beer."

The second one says "I'd like half a pint of beer."

The third one says "I'd like a quarter of a pint of beer."

The fourth one says "I'd like an eighth of a pint of beer."

Varthonai lets this go on for another minute or so before stopping them and saying "I can see where this is going," and pours two pints of beer.

[Varthonai]

I think that's enough XKCD for one day, love.

[Polo]

Sudo me a sandwich.

[Aval]

A man walks into a bar.

He's an alcoholic and his addiction is destroying his life and tearing his family apart.

[Lucky Joe]

A man walks into a bar, you think he would've seen it.

[Varthonai]

A man walks into a bar.

He's an alcoholic and his addiction is destroying his life and tearing his family apart.

[/thread won]

[jman1234]

But not as old as--nah, I'm done.

Oh man that was good

you deserve a high five for that

*throws Varth a high five*

dont leave me hanging man

[Bloody Shadow]

A man missed the number "22" bus. So he decided to take two "11"s.

[sgt_Angua]

I think that's enough XKCD for one day, love.

Eh? None of those jokes were from XKCD.

[Varthonai]

Eh? None of those jokes were from XKCD.

The last one sounded inspired by it. My bad. :[

[sgt_Angua]

I heard it from someone at school, and added you.

[...I'm not telling you!]

A man walks into a bar.

He's an alcoholic and his addiction is destroying his life and tearing his family apart.

...I'm not even gonna try top that.

[demonickilla]

Do you like fishdicks? Does'nt sound as good on the internetz

[Terazokie]

My cat's a slut cat....... she sleeps with everybody.

[Sasa]

Two potatoes are walking, one of them yells: "Look out! a cactus!" the other one says: "Fuck you! We aren't balloons!"

[ShadowDancer]

A man named Artie was shopping at the market one day when a man came up to him and said, "I'll give you one dollar if you kill that guy over there." Artie agrees and goes to choke him. When he came back the man said, "No, not him, him!" So Artie goes back and chokes the other guy. When he walked back the man said, "Not him! HIM!" Once again, Artie chokes another person, and finally gets his dollar. By this time, the cops arrive and arrest them both. The next day, the headline in the newspaper read:

Artie chokes three for a dollar!

(Fail...)

[Sirrin Nacht]

What do you get when you put together onions and beans?
Tear gas.

[Killervirus]

A man walks into a bar.

He's an alcoholic and his addiction is destroying his life and tearing his family apart.
BWAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHHHhhaaaha...

...


i'm gonna go eat some ice cream now...

[GolyBlood]

Two fishes were in a tank. Other one asked from the other:
"You know how to drive this?"

[Sasa]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

[RustyMagnum]

American, Swede and Homosexual went up to the Eiffel Tower.

American threw down a dollar and shouted: ''We've got lots of these!''
Homosexual threw down a pink scarf and shouted: ''We've got lots of these!''
Swede pushed the homosexual down and shouted: ''We've got lots of these!''


May not make sense to others than Finns.

[Tyemdi]

Why did Tigger look inside the toilet?

He was looking for Pooh!

[your worst nightmare]

sorry i havent picked a winner for a while.

aval you win.

but kenneth i liked your too

[leapoffaith]

Some not too smart gangsters decide to rob a bank. After several days of planning they agree on the best plan. The next day they get to work and are able to get into the bank relatively easy thanks to their planning. Once inside the main vault they discover one wall is full of safety deposit boxes and start to work on them immediately. They drill and pry open the first box only to find a small container of vanilla pudding inside.

The Head Gangster says, "Okay, well, at least we can eat it." So they eat the pudding. They drill and pry open up the second safety deposit box and there sits another pudding. They decide to devour it too.

Determined to find the goods, the process continues for the rest of the night until all the safety deposit boxes have been opened. They didn't find any money or jewelry in any of the boxes. Disappointed the head gangster said, "Well, at least they left something for us to eat."

The next day, while listening to the news they hear:"Yesterday the largest SPERM bank in the USA was robbed by an unknown group of people....."

[Terazokie]

Bear Grylls' name isn't just a name, it states his favorite food and how he likes it cooked.

[live2wrestle]

An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation,
smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two US government
officials sent to interview him.
One US Official asked Chief Two Eagles,

"You have observed the white man for 90 years.
You've seen his wars and his technological advances.
You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, "Considering all these events,
in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government officials for over
a minute and then calmly replied.
"When white man found the land, Indians were running
it . .
No taxes,
No debt,
Plenty buffalo,
Plenty beaver,
Women did all the work,
Medicine man free,
Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all
night having sex."

Then the Chief leaned back and smiled.....
"Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve
system like that."




Edit: 1337 member yays

[NoobCannon990]

Company Anouncement:

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If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore as they are all full of S.H.I.T. already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.).

If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).

Thank you,

BOSS IN GENERAL
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING

(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)

[GolyBlood]

Meh...:

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute. “Well,
bullet

Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
bullet

Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
bullet

Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
bullet

Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
bullet

Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.

But what does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment.

“Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

[leapoffaith]

lol i remember reading that one somewhere :D

[live2wrestle]

Dammit Goly you stole that one from me didnt you?

[Bloody Shadow]

Why is a fart smelly?
(this is a good one xD)

[Sirrin Nacht]

Oh what the hell, I'll bite. Why is a fart foul smelling?

[Bloody Shadow]

Whay is a fart smelly?

Answer
So people that can't hear gets something aswell xD

[live2wrestle]

James, as usual, came home really late one Saturday night after being at the bar all night drinking. Not only was he drunk, he was sloppy drunk. He carefully crept into bed next his wife, who fell sleep angry hours earlier, and gave her a goodnight kiss on the check in hopes that she wouldn’t wake up.

He awoke in the middle of the night to a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. “Who the hell are you,” demanded James, “and what are you doing in my bedroom?” The mysterious man answered “This is not your bedroom, and my name is St. Peter”.

James didn’t take the news so well… “You mean I’m dead! That can’t be, I have so much to live for, I haven’t even said goodbye to my family… you’ve got to send me back right away!”

St. Peter replied “You cannot go back as you were, you have passed away James. However, you can be reincarnated - but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.” James was devastated, but knowing that there was a farm just down the road from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking at corn on the ground. “This ain’t so bad,” he thought until he felt a strange feeling churning inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said “So you’re the new hen, huh? How are you enjoying your first day here?” “It’s not so bad” replies James, “but I have this strange feeling inside like I’m about to explode”. “You’re ovulating” explained the rooster, “haven’t you ever laid an egg before?”

“Never” replies James.

“Well just relax and let it happen.”

And so he did, and just a few uncomfortable seconds later an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him - emotions got the better of him as he experienced the joy motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him… ever!

The joy of motherhood continued to build and, just as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shout “James, wake up you drunken bastard, you’re shitting the bed!”

[Sirrin Nacht]

Oh man, that's ranker than my beans and onions joke.

[W@Wfan]

loolz

[Bloody Shadow]

In heaven they have an object that spins everytime somone says a bad word in the country.

Angel 1: how's america's?

Angel 2:sometimes it spins and sometimes it stops.

Angel 1: China's?

Angel 2:barely spins

Angel 1: Where's Malta's? (my country)

Angel 2:In jesus's office

Angel 1:why is it there?

Angel 2:he is using it as a fan.
xD

[Terazokie]

Lawyer: Doctor, you said my client was shot in the woods, correct?
Doctor: No, I said he was shot in the Lumbar region.

[live2wrestle]

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:


1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.




2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.





3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.





4. A dog's parents never visit.





5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point
across.





6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.





7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.





8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.





9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, 'If I died, would you get
another dog?'







10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them
away.





11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a
pervert.





12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just
think it's interesting.





13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.


And last, but not least:




14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff

[leapoffaith]

amen to that :D

[Trewoon]

Coal is decayed vegetarians...

[Mr.Evilmidget]

Why do the Spartans trust the Oracle?


Because in an incident five years before, Leonidas had a sexual affair with the Queen. The Oracle was used by the Queen to find out whether he was cheating or not.
The Oracle said,
Leonidas had one injection with a womb and I WANT YOUR FUCKIN' BABIES!


Because they worshiped her to keep their children.

[live2wrestle]

My wife left me... And I don't understand.

After the last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on expenses

I had to give up drinking beer.
I was not a big drinker, maybe a 12-pack on weekends.
Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed the other day when she came home from grocery shopping, the receipt included $45 for makeup.

I said, "Wait a minute I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!"

She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you."

I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!"

I don't think she'll be back.

[your worst nightmare]

Some not too smart gangsters decide to rob a bank. After several days of planning they agree on the best plan. The next day they get to work and are able to get into the bank relatively easy thanks to their planning. Once inside the main vault they discover one wall is full of safety deposit boxes and start to work on them immediately. They drill and pry open the first box only to find a small container of vanilla pudding inside.

The Head Gangster says, "Okay, well, at least we can eat it." So they eat the pudding. They drill and pry open up the second safety deposit box and there sits another pudding. They decide to devour it too.

Determined to find the goods, the process continues for the rest of the night until all the safety deposit boxes have been opened. They didn't find any money or jewelry in any of the boxes. Disappointed the head gangster said, "Well, at least they left something for us to eat."

The next day, while listening to the news they hear:"Yesterday the largest SPERM bank in the USA was robbed by an unknown group of people....."

winner!!!!

[live2wrestle]

What Is Success ?

At age 4 .......success is ......not peeing in your pants

At age 12.....success is .........having friends.

At age 16.....success is .........having a Driver's License

At age 20......success is .........having sex

At age 35......success is.........having money.

At age 50......success is.............having money.

At age 60......success is.............having sex.

At age 70......success is.............having a Driver's License.

At age 75......success is............having friends.

At age 80......success is.............not peeing in your pants.

.................................................. ..................................

Subject: Book Report

>Students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill
Clinton . One smart-ass student turned in the following book report, with
the proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His cool
>professor gave him an A+ for this report:

>Titanic:..... $29.99
> Clinton:..... $29.99

>Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read
>Clinton :..... Over 3 hours to read

>Titanic:..... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe.
>Clinton:..... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe.

>Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist.
> Clinton:..... Bill is a bullshit artist.

>Titanic:..... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
> Clinton:..... Ditto for Bill.

>Titanic:..... During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
>Clinton:..... Ditto for Monica.

>Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
> Clinton:..... Let's not go there.

>Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
> Clinton :..... Monica's forced to return her gifts.

>Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
> Clinton:..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

>Titanic:..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
>Clinton :..... Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.

>Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
> Clinton:..... Bill goes home to Hillary...basically the same thing

[kitty-chan]

I can haz more than one, right?

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted....'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?'
----------------------------------
Three Men on a Hike

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging, Violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed:
'God, please give me the strength to cross the river.'
Poof! .. God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed: 'God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river'
Poof! .. God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: 'God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river'
Poof! .. He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.
----------------------------------

[Bloody Shadow]

In a middle or a room the is a man. This room leads to 4 other rooms. One of them is full of fire! The other there is a lion dying to eat! The other is full of cannibals! And the last one there are alot of crocodiles that only eat humans!
Diagram:http://img38.imageshack.us/img38/3959/diagram.png





Which is the right way to go?


Awnser: where the lion is. He is DYING to eat.

[Netrosis]

This thread isn't funny at all.

[Mist Fang]

some are

[Netrosis]

What do you call a joke thats not funny?

You don't. It's not a joke if its not funny, like this thread.

[Inretrospect]

Lol. Good one.

[leapoffaith]

winner!!!!

yaaaay! :cornut:

[username]

im dissapointed in DQ :(
........where's all the good blonde jokes?
"why did the blonde climb over the glass wall?"
"to see what was on the other side"
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.....

[leapoffaith]

a blonde a brunette and a redhead are trapped on an island. They can see the shoreline about half a mile away. after days of waiting, the redhead tries to swim back to civilization. She cramps up and drowns half way. The next day, the brunette tries, and the same thing happens to her. Finally, the blonde goes for it. She swims half way there, then stops, thinking "if the others cramped up here, I shouldn't even try." and so she turns around and swims back to the island.

[ide]

Did you hear about that black guy they found on the bottom of that river in Arkansas with 200 bullet holes in him...the local sheriff called it the worst case of suicide he had ever seen in his life.

What do u say if its pitch dark in your room and your TV starts to move?
- "Drop it, nigga."

[Polo]

<JonTG> Man, my penis is so big if I laid it out on a keyboard it'd go all the way from A to Z
<JonTG> wait, shit

[Lonesilverwolves]

there are 3 gay couples on an airplane, and it crashes on an island. 3 gayes die, leaving 3 widowed gayes. The first one throws his husbands ashes in the ocean because he loved to swimm. The second one throws his ashes off a mountain because he loved to hike. The third put his ashes in a bowl of chilly and says, "I'll put him in my chilly so he can tear my asss up one more time."

[...I'm not telling you!]

'So I got off the phone to my sister today, who wants me to see Twilight New Moon.'
''Oh but Dan, it's your kind of film! It's better than the first, trust me-the werewolves are awesome!'
''There aren't any werewolves in Twlight. They're just people that turn in to big wolves, I don't care if Stephanie wants to re-wright werewolf lore as well as Vampire.'
''Fine, but it's seriously awes-''
''Look, I don't care about it. There aren't any Werewolves in it, and no Vampires.''
''Ok good point.''

[Lonesilverwolves]

There were nine blondes and a brunette hanging of a rope 100 stories high. They had decided that one of them had to get off.
They argued and argued and finally the brunette said ''I'll go.''

The brunette made a touching speech and all the blondes clapped.

[...I'm not telling you!]

There were nine blondes and a brunette hanging of a rope 100 stories high. They had decided that one of them had to get off.
They argued and argued and finally the brunette said ''I'll go.''

The brunette made a touching speech and all the blondes clapped.

...that one was actually pretty good.

[username]

im officially proud of DQ :)
these blonde jokes aint half bad.

[your worst nightmare]

there are 20 guys and 1 girl.

the first guy walks in the class room naked. the teacher asks why he is naked. the boy said cause i was on top of cherry hill.

the next 19 people walk in and they all say the same thing. then the girl walks in and its a new student. she is also naked. the teacher asked her why is she naked and she said cause i am cherry hill.

all the boys yelled, "we were on top of cherry hill".

[Beecherthesnipa]

Theres 100 old people in heaven after a horrible bus crash.
God feels bad for them,and gives them one final wish.
The first person,an elderly man,wishes to be handsome. God makes him handsome.
The second person,an elderly woman,wishes to be beautiful. God makes her beautiful.
All these people keep wishing to be beautiful or handsome. Then,it gets to the 100th person. Hes laughing.
God says,"Why are you laughing?"
The man goes,"Because I wish they were all ugly again!"

[Lonesilverwolves]

...that one was actually pretty good.

thank you

[Beecherthesnipa]

There's a blond,a brunette,and a redhead. They are all hanging off a volcano. Suddenly,an angel comes down from heaven and says,"I am here to grant you three wishes! Since there are three of you,you get one wish each!"...So,the redhead goes,"I wish I was at home with my family!"..Poof! Shes with her family. The brunette goes,"I wish I was with her!"..Poof! Shes with her friend. The blond goes,"I wish my friends were back. :sad: "

[xduke]

A man walks into a bar. Ouch

A ghost follows a man into a bar. He walks through it.

I do not expect anything from this.

[Lonesilverwolves]

An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop, and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her. She answered the phone, crying, and said, "I can't get out of the room!" "You can't get out of your room?"; the captain asked. "Why not?" She replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

[W@Wfan]

your mamas sooo poor she couldnt afford nothing for free

[Beecherthesnipa]

Your mom is like a shotgun; Two cocks,and she's ready to blow.

Your mom is like a doorknob; Everybody gets a turn.

Your mom is so fat,she stepped into Wal-Mart,and all the prices dropped.

Your mom is so old,she sat on her rocking chair,and the rocking chair yelled,"JUST DIE ALREADY BITCH!"

:think: I have a 100 page booklet I made of these. Thats like,over a thousand. :think:

[Lonesilverwolves]

Your mom is like a shotgun; Two cocks,and she's ready to blow.

Your mom is like a doorknob; Everybody gets a turn.

Your mom is so fat,she stepped into Wal-Mart,and all the prices dropped.

Your mom is so old,she sat on her rocking chair,and the rocking chair yelled,"JUST DIE ALREADY BITCH!"

:think: I have a 100 page booklet I made of these. Thats like,over a thousand. :think:

wow how long did that take, and are you willing to sell:ihih:

[Beecherthesnipa]

It took a year or so back in the days when I felt bored all the time.(7th grade).

I'd rather not sell it,but I may post it on the internet somewhere,if I find somewhere that will allow me to post thousands of Yo Momma' jokes at the same time. :think:

[Lonesilverwolves]

cool let me know when you post it please

[Azura]

An attractive young blonde knocks on the door of her teacher's office, blouse half unbuttoned and her skirt pulled short. Her grades are slipping and she hopes to earn a favour.
The teacher lets her into his office, offering her a seat, giving no comment about her chosen attire.
She sits on the edge of his desk, crossing her legs and gazing seductively at him through her blackened eyelashes.
"I'm failing," she cooes, playing with her long hair, "I'd be willing to do anything to get my grades up.."
"Oh?" he asks softly, "you'd do anything?"
"Anything," she replies forcefully, running her finger down her neck.
"Anything?" He looks deeply into her eyes and she shivers.
"Yes, anything," she says, dragging her hand accross her hips, down her thighs, tempting him.
The teacher stands slowly, walking up behind her. He places his hands on her shoulders and leans in, whispering in her ear...
"Would you study?"

[BanHammor]

Funny, necromancer.

[ArtoriusVonKrieg]

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until someone comes on the line.
If you are dyslexic, press 6969696969.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic-stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you."

[Shadowtime23]

Great one :D

I got some momma jokes too:

Yo momma's so stupid, she sits on the TV and watches the couch.

Yo momma's so old, here ears still hurt from the bi bang.

Yo momma's only problem is that she didn't gave birth to you. She shit you.

Yo momma's so stupid, she takes the door of her car into the desert so she can slide the window down when it ets too hot.

I can keep yo momma busy for hours by writing "please turn" onto both sides of a page.

And now a quizzy joke:
You're driving a car and are holding the speed by 70 mph. To your left, there's an endless gap and nothing is between the car and the gap. To your right, there's a long fire engine, filling the street with you and holding the exact speed as you do. In front of you, there's a huge pig, biger than your car and is racing in front of you and behind you, a chopper is followin you at 1 feet height. The pig and the chopper have the exact same speed as you do!!
What do you do to escape this situation unharmed?!?

Get off the carrousel and stop drinking so much!

[Rimmy]

I know so many good yo momma jokes the sad thing is none of them makes sense in English.

[Azura]

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe, they have more than a few drinks and on their way out the giraffe collapses, drunk, on the floor. The bar man shouts "You can't leave that lying there!" To which the man replies; "That's not a lion, it's a giraffe!"

*slaps knee, laughs*

Chuck Norris walked down the street with an erection. There were no survivors.

[Khorne47]

Oh no a zombie thread!!
I am pretty sure this died for a reason and will die again in about a week.
Also Chuck Norris jokes are no longer funny...let them die with this thread.
Also I have a joke of my own.....The Wii...

[Azura]

Two muffins are sitting in a oven.
One turns to the other and says, "Is it getting hot in here, or is it just me?"
The other looks back in fear and screams, "HOLY FUCK A TALKING MUFFIN!"

heh.. Wii.. You, sir, win two internets.

[Khorne47]

Hmmm at this rate you will just burn yourself out of crap jokes in about 2 days...Meh anyone else got some funnies to add before this goes back to thread heaven?

[ArtoriusVonKrieg]

Smartest Man in the World
A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.

In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.

Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.

The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live."

He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."

Poor guy
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

[Rabbi106]

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe, they have more than a few drinks and on their way out the giraffe collapses, drunk, on the floor. The bar man shouts "You can't leave that lying there!" To which the man replies; "That's not a lion, it's a giraffe!"

Holy crap, my Dad told me that joke when I was a wee little Rabbi! I thought it was hilarious....